Not even the Nine Divines can save you from this NPC test.
Artwork by XioxGraphix, used with permission.
Stop right there criminal scum! It's time to find out which Oblivion companion shares your mudcrab-fueled existence. Picture the smoke curling over Kvatch, the Black Horse Courier hawking half-truths, and a chorus of guards who still think sweetroll theft is high treason. Right in the middle of that mess stands you, armed with your own questionable coping mechanisms and a few dialogue options you probably shouldn’t choose. Let's set this Oblivion personality quiz as your active quest. Kvatch is burning, better get started.
Oblivion is great, but do you know what is also great? Baldur's Gate. How about you swap Tamriel for Faerûn and find your match in our Which Baldur's Gate 3 Character Are You? Quiz. Or maybe you prefer the real world. Let's find your Ren Faire archetype in the What’s Your Ren Faire Archetype? Quiz. And if none of that appeals to you, then how about SpongeBob? Everyone loves SpongeBob. Find your match in Bikini Bottom in our What SpongeBob SquarePants Character Are You? Quiz.
You just heard Kvatch is under siege by an Oblivion gate. First move?
• Sprint there yelling motivational slogans. Someone needs a hype man.
• Slip in through the back, tally guard patrols, wait for perfect strike.
• Grab whatever blunt object’s closest and ask questions later.
• Pray, polish the helm, then charge. Nine Divines will guide the swing.
• Start packing books on Oblivion lore. Knowledge is fire retardant, right?
• Send scouts, plan fallback points, brew strong coffee.
Finish this classic: “I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I __.”
• got distracted cheering a Champion until sunrise.
• found arrows work better in other people’s knees.
• took a mace to the face and kept swinging.
• knelt for nine straight hours in pilgrimage.
• opened a book and never walked out of the library.
• accepted a desk job at Cloud Ruler because someone had to.
A guard shouts “STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!” What’s actually in your pocket?
• Fresh sweetroll I definitely paid for. Probably.
• A Black Hand token. Mind your business.
• Silver longsword you’re totally returning to the armory.
• Random Daedric artifact. Don’t touch the spikes.
• Scroll titled Mysterium Xarxes Cliff Notes.
• Just the day’s briefing scrolls and quill.
Sheogorath offers you cheese or madness. You pick:
• Both, screaming praise while taste-testing.
• Madness. Already had cheese yesterday.
• Cheese wedge big enough to use as shield.
• Decline, cite Divines’ dietary restrictions.
• Ask if cheese contains arcane properties.
• Note caloric content; save kingdom first, snack later.
Black Horse Courier headline about you would read:
• “Mysterious Hooded Figure Solves Problems, Leaves No Footprints.”
• “Local Orc Smashes Bandit Problem (And Furniture).”
• “Cheerful Blond Won’t Stop Following Arena Champion.”
• “Knight Polishes Armor, Criminals Flee In Terror.”
• “Reclusive Scholar Rumored Heir to Dragonblood.”
• “Cloud Ruler Analyst Predicts Next Oblivion Gate.”
During the Arena Grand Champion match, you’re most likely to:
• Throw both hands up and scream “By Azura!” on loop.
• Take bets, rig outcomes quietly.
• Watch for combat form. Note improvements for your guild.
• Pray for everyone’s souls mid-decapitation.
• Study the magicka sparking off enchanted blades.
• Patrol stands to keep pickpockets down.
Favorite Oblivion gate hazard?
• Those launch pads that yeet you into lava. Wheee!
• Spiked bridges. Perfect trap staging.
• Daedroth who needs six sword hits. Good workout.
• Sigil stone puzzles. Glorious cosmic Sudoku.
• Cries of captured soldiers that spur valor.
• None. Risks are inefficiency incarnate.
You find a copy of The Lusty Argonian Maid. You:
• Read passages aloud. Dramatic voices mandatory.
• Laugh once, file it under blackmail material.
• Use it to start campfire. Practicality first.
• Leave it untouched; impure thoughts slow crusaders.
• Study cultural references for thesis.
• Confiscate it citing library fines.
Preferred birthsign buff:
• The Apprentice. High Magicka, glass nerves.
• The Warrior. Nothing but stats for days.
• The Steed. Zoomies for assassinations.
• The Ritual. Free heal equals free forgiveness.
• The Lord. Tough hide, fiery heart.
• The Atronach. No Magicka regen? Plan harder.
When Mudcrabs attack:
• Admire their feisty spirit before punting.
• Sneak attack. No witnesses to this embarrassment.
• Cast homemade Fireball.
• Stand on rock and cheer them on.
• Pray for their tiny souls mid-swing.
• Log habitat data for next patrol report.
Rumors in Chorrol say you:
• saved a cat from a tree, narrated entire event.
• sleep with a dagger under pillow and smile.
• bench-pressed a minotaur, twice.
• donated entire reward to chapel.
• corrected Mages Guild lecture notes mid-sleep.
• file detailed weather reports daily.
Your preferred method to close an Oblivion gate:
• Charge straight to Sigil Stone, screaming memes.
• Sneak past everything, steal stone, vanish.
• Escort every guard safely, tactical formations.
• Lead with prayer, swing second.
• Use fireball to carve shortcuts; note observations.
• Wait outside gate; sell snacks to travelers.
Nerevarine visits from Morrowind. Your reaction:
• Ask for autograph plus selfie scroll.
• Offer dark contract. Heroes make excellent clients.
• Challenge to spar; legends need testing.
• Discuss tribunal theology over tea.
• Arrange full honor guard escort.
• Politely decline meeting. Too many variables.
A Daedra offers power for your soul. You:
• Politely fan-girl, but keep soul intact.
• Already have five backup souls. Deal.
• Refuse, recite Ten Commands of the Nine.
• Negotiate clause for extra strength training.
• Ask about research rights to Daedric planes.
• Decline; contingency plans beat dark bargains.
Most quoted line to annoy friends:
• “By Azura, by Azura, BY AZURA!”
• “Sweetroll? Someone stole YOURS too?”
• “Praise be Akatosh. Mind the gap.”
• “Mudcrab merchant had better prices.”
• “For honor and for Chorrol!”
• …just silence...they fear your hush.
Roll credits. Your epilogue shows you:
• Gazing unblinkingly at the Champion’s statue till dawn.
• Leaving a black rose on a fresh grave, unseen.
• Hoisting a bandit over shoulder, laughing.
• Placing your sword on an altar, kneeling quietly.
• Sealing forbidden tomes in a vault, candle flicker.
• Charting patrol routes for a rebuilt Kvatch.
You are pure enthusiasm in human form, whether people asked for it or not. Once you get attached, it’s game over. They’re stuck with you. You don’t take hints and honestly? That’s kind of iconic. You’re the living definition of "annoying but endearing." Just try not to follow people into caves.
You’re quiet, intense, and deeply into your niche hobbies, which may or may not include poison. Small talk isn’t your thing. You’d rather people earn your trust with a blood oath or a long silence. You’re not evil, you just like your peace messy. Maybe consider blinking once in a while though.
You’ve got main character energy, but in a "kick down the tavern door" kind of way. Blunt, loyal, and never pretending to be something you’re not. You might not always know what’s going on, but you will absolutely fight for it anyway. You’re chaos with a moral compass. Usually.
You’re a walking code of honor. Everything’s black and white in your book, even if the world keeps insisting on gray. You wear your ideals like armor, literally and emotionally. Sometimes you forget that being noble doesn’t mean being uptight. You can be righteous and fun. It’s legal.
You were reading in peace until fate dragged you into the group chat. You’re smart, awkward, and constantly trying to do the right thing while low-key spiraling. People treat you like the chosen one, which is unfortunate because you’d rather be left alone. You’re doing fine. Sort of.
You’re the oldest soul in the room and the most likely to have a backup plan. No one questions your competence, but they also forget you’re a person and not a 24/7 responsibility robot. You’re the dad friend, the team strategist, the "let me just handle this" guy. Someday, you’ll delegate. Probably.
You’re the reliable side character who actually holds the whole storyline together. Low drama, high utility. You don’t speak up often, but when you do, it’s weirdly insightful. People should probably listen to you more. Or at least let you finish your sentence.
You like structure, hot drinks, and knowing what the plan is. If chaos shows up, you will shut it down with clean execution and zero flair. You’re not flashy, but you are respected. There’s probably a spreadsheet in your head at all times. And it’s color coded.
You’re the first to volunteer, the last to leave, and the one who absolutely will throw hands for your friends. Loyalty is your compass, even when the path gets murky. You run on vibes and instinct, not strategy. You’re basically a bodyguard with main character energy. Keep the sword. Maybe holster the martyrdom.
You’re clocking in, following protocol, and getting snow in your boots. You don’t need recognition to feel solid. You just want things to work. You’re chill, mildly sarcastic, and always two seconds from saying "not my problem" before helping anyway. Unsung heroism looks good on you.
You’re practical, direct, and not above solving problems with your fists. If someone’s paying, you’re showing up. You’re not exactly into nuance, but that’s part of the charm. You keep things simple. Occasionally too simple, but hey, it gets results.
You’ve got potential and a tendency to explode things. Enthusiastic, curious, and slightly flammable. You’re probably one bad idea away from a great discovery or total disaster. Either way, it’ll be fun. Just remember which scroll is which next time.
You take yourself a little seriously, but it’s kind of endearing. You’re into quests, relics, and doing things "the right way", whatever that means today. There’s a quiet intensity to you, like a monk who owns a sword. You’d never say it, but you definitely think you’re better than everyone else. And honestly, sometimes you are.
You’re over it. All of it. Dry, sardonic, and one polite insult away from quitting everything and disappearing into mist. People think you don’t care, but you just express interest in a tone only dogs can hear. You’re the eye roll in human form. Somehow, you still keep showing up.
